MEETINGS - huh...yeah. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing...say it again y'all

Meetings, meetings, and more meetings. As we all know meetings are good in theory but bad in actuality. Why are they so bad? Because I HATE THEM! Meetings are held by people who are clueless and want the thinkers to help them come up with an idea they can call their own. Here’s how it goes. “If I called the meeting, take all the thinkers ideas, get them organized together by the administrators, typed up by the secretary (I mean administrative assistant), then emailed by me? MINE MINE MINE. Duh. So the mere fact that I know this makes me hate the meeting. So what can I do about this? Here are two ways in which you can make the most of your meeting; either as the coordinator of the meeting or as an attendee of the meeting.

So you are the coordinator of the next meeting? How special. This is what you have to do to be productive and run a successful meeting. Remember: smart meeting managers know that it is the actions you take during the three days immediately before the meeting which are much more important than the meeting itself. Huh? What? I ain’t sure I understand. I know. Do these three steps and do them well. The Three P's of Successful Meetings: Preparation, Participation, Prioritization. That’s easy enough. Don’t screw it up.

Be prepared! Send the meeting material out three days prior to the meeting. Ensure that your attendees read the materials. Just because you’re prepared doesn’t mean they are. It is your responsibility to get these people prepared; otherwise they will waste some of your meeting minutes. Time thieves people, time thieves. Next you will need participation from the very people dreading this worthless meeting. Another two things people, that’s it, two things. Get the best ideas from the best people and get a broad base of participation so there is ownership in the solution rather than resentment. That’s right baby, uh ha, uh ha. Gettin’ yo game on people. They’re already coming in bitter so this is where you need to trick them into liking it. People like what they feel they are part of. I love some good smoke and mirrors and don’t think I don’t. Finally, prioritize. Too often meetings are crammed full of agenda items placed there in the order they showed up on our desk. Put the most important things first and then work down. Now remember, what you think is important doesn’t mean others will also. Focusing everyone's attention on the issues which are most important to your success (not importance) you will quickly see a decrease in non-value added activity and increased productivity for your efforts. Wa La. That’s it. Who knew.

Oh my God, my friend, not another meeting. Where is a good root canal when you need it? If it is a meeting you are sure will be productive and the above three items will be adhered to, go and make me proud. If not, follow my next bit of instructions to at least have fun. This is where the party starts. Old Linda lame ass has scheduled yet another meeting on safety in the work place and her chronic halitosis issues have not been rectified. You know she exists don’t ya. I know you do. There’s one in every company.

You know how every quarter a new meeting word comes out. This quarter it is: “The lobbyist got another “turkey, turkey, turkey” for us and what projects do we need to come to “fruition, fruition, fruition.” First, what the hell is a turkey? The very lady who threw this out didn’t know this word two days ago and now she’s throwing it out in a meeting to show us how smart she is. That just irks me. And I would rather die then to ask what it means. That’s what she wants me to do and a-hell NO. I just sat there and was excited over the wonderful news and faked I knew what she was talking about just like EVERYONE else. Then ran to my computer after the meeting to look it up and be the first to send an email about the turkey. Of course I will have to add a nugget of info that I know what it means. Ah ha, I won! I feel a happy dance coming on.

So my suggestion on making this meeting fun is……….Neologisms. That’s right. But how you may wonder? They may call me on what it means. By way of the oldest trick in the book; portmanteau or the new portmanteau on portmanteau called frankenword. What the hell is this beee-atch talking about? Neo-what on the Portman-who, what the frankenword?

For moron clarification: please read below
Neologisms-A new word, expression, or usage. Portmanteau- a new word formed by joining two others and combining their meanings; such as Brunch (breakfast and lunch). Frankenword is just a new word for portmanteau. It came about in the mid nineties in the context of humorous observation of the growing number of neologisms formed by mutating pieces of existing words. Remember Bennifer?

Make up a frankenword and throw it out at a meeting. See who pretends to know you’re made up word. I bet you Linda lame ass won’t.

I will expand further neologisms in the workplace on my part two -----
MEETINGS - huh...yeah. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing...say it again y'all


Signing off for now from the #1 CLINTONISTA.