You have a small business and it’s not where you want it. You have so much good stuff but no one knows. If these are the statements you are making you NEED to market your business ASAP. If you’re thinking, “We are marketing. We have our business listed in the phone book and the local paper.” My comment to you is, “that is so sad.” You need to get your business into the “in the now” arena. Just using the phone book and the local paper is soooo 1990. Alone, those two areas are ok if you are depending solely on older people supporting your business. How many young people are reading the phone book? They Google it between texting their BFF. You can put it in those two areas but don’t lose sight of your other options. Go back and review your marketing plan and see what it says. WHAT! You have no marketing plan! You’re lucky you’re still in business ding dong. I hope you just forgot to put it in your business plan because if I find out you DID NOT do a business plan I will freak out. Ok, don’t tell me, I don’t want to know. I choose to stick my head in the sand. Let’s just move on to the details.
The first thing you need to do is CREATE A MARKETING PLAN! Good God.
Determine your unique selling proposition (USP).
1. What are you selling and what need is it filling?
2. Why is this so unique and what are your differences from other businesses like yours?
3. How does this uniqueness benefit the consumer?
Get a strategy in your pricing.
1. What do you need to charge to break even?
2. Do a break even analysis
Sales and distribution of your stuff.
1. How does your customer get your stuff and what other ways can you get your stuff out? If you have a physical store, start a delivery service. Start an online distribution. Review packaging, labeling and costs associated with inventory.
2. How does/will your customer get your stuff? (Start to finish: ordering, billing, payment (method and terms) return policies, warranties, support) Create policies and procedures to maintain consistency.
3. How do you sell your stuff? Salespeople? They need training and support. Sales copy? Be careful here because people screw this up all the time. I like to think of sales copy like this: Sell the sizzle not the steak. If this doesn’t register in your non-business plan-doing head, how about this: Sell what the items will do for them, don’t sell the item. Then reread your sales copy and say “big deal, whooptie doo.” Why? Because your customers will. Think about it, don't you when you read someone else's sales pitch? We all do.
How will we advertise and promote our stuff? This is where my superior marketing greatness comes into play. Stand back and watch the smoke come out of my ears.
Basic Old School Marketing Tips:
1- Advertising: classified ads, phone book (it was all I could do to type that), local coupon books, high school newspapers,, and whatever else you can think of and afford.
2- Word of Mouth: fliers, solicitations on the street, speeches to civic groups, demonstrations, on-line and off-line newsletters, mass emails, et…
3- Marketing Materials: business cards, pens. magnets and other items people won’t throw away.
4- Publicity: press releases, soft spots, local cable access, or have the local car dealer put a sign in the background of his commercial.
5- Co-branding: advertise a local business in your store, if they will do the same for you. Don’t use a competitor, Duh.
6- Customer-Loyalty Program: reward repeat customers or referrals with a discount or cash bonus. Offer a gift for purchases above a certain level.\ or any other ass-kissing method you can think of.
7- Network, Network, Network: start with your current customers then branch out to the networking groups. When going to a networking group, please drink lots of coffee, tape on your happy face, then fake the thrill of it all.
8- Community Events: free or discounted product handouts showcasing your stuff.
9- Bartering: Say something like this: “If you print my business cards and fliers for free, I will give you some of my stuff for free. And you will be the one coming out ahead.” Put a little more game in your spiel but it goes somewhere along those lines.
Now this is the end of old school marketing but new school marketing is just around the corner. Old school marketing is still relevant and will remain relevant for as long as small businesses exist. What you have to remember is that going to the new side is not as scary as you may think. The first step is to just stick your tow in, and if it feels good, jump in. Start by saying….Website. SAY IT! Website. You have to get one. I will discuss in detail the new areas you can venture into. What areas are an option for your business and how to measure if it works for you?
One last thing: GET YOUR MARKETING PLAN DONE!!!!!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
GIFTS IN KIND (GIK) – Gimme something man and I want it FREE!
Gifts In Kind? What the hell is that? It’s really sad people but that’s what I hear all the time. This is not a new concept. It’s only been around for like ohhhhh 8 billion years. I believe Neanderthal man started it. The actual definition of GIK is: a kind of charible giving in which, instead of giving money to buy needed goods and services, the goods and services themselves are given.
It’s very sad to me that many people running not for profits (NFP’s) have not a clue as to the significance of in kind. I can almost see the gifted CEO wondering where the budget dollars are going to come from to hire the new data entry position. Or how are we going to pay for the next batch of school supplies for our clients. My first response to that is very primitive so I usually refrain from slapping and suggest a meeting or a development subcommittee. Not really. If you didn’t catch the subcommittee sarcasm until I said “not really”, please go and read my meetings blog. Those two areas of budget spending can be offset by the use of “gimme something man and I want it free.” This will require very little and most of the time a letter in the mail WILL NOT cut it. It’s a face to face ask. If you’re thinking, “Huh what, but I’m scared.” Go back to “How to get yo game on” and try to keep up with the innovators.
Gifts in kind are a good way for NFP’s to offset budget spending. Why buy something if you can get it for free. Sometimes an NFP can get so caught up in trying to raise money money money that they can not see that very money they are raising is being spent on items that they could get for free free free. There are many different ways in kind can help in these budget cutting times.
That new data entry position can very easily be in kind. How about a volunteer? Call a staffing company and fill them in on the budget cuts. Let them know if one of their staffers was donated to your worthy cause it can save you from cutting the elderly companion program. How they can write it off on their taxes. Also, let them know you will be thanking them in your next newsletter that goes out to thousands of households and businesses every month. Remember, do not rely solely on your wonderful mission driven purpose. Incorporate how it will help them feel better, help their business, and come to the rescue of the lonely elders in their community. When soliciting in the community, make your request as hard as possible for them to say no. Find the best and most heartfelt story you have within your organization and milk it for everything it is worth. So a brief summary of what I just said: state your request, define what that donation will do to help the community in the form of a heartfelt story, how they will get their money back from big brother, and how they will benefit from it via your newsletter.
The new school supplies are even easier. This is where you get the community relations staffer to earn their keep. Get an organization in your community to do a drive. Any civic groups, schools, businesses, etc… will do it with the right negotiator. Start with the assets that you have already instead of going in cold. Ask your board members to do one at their office. This won’t even cost them any money and they can brag about it at the next BOD meeting. Then when you go out in the community you can say, “We already have blah blah blah involved, and so n so too, etc… This is where name dropping is VERY acceptable.
Now comes the most critical and most important part of drive requests; also the most overlooked and messed up part. The list of needs you give to the person or business doing the drive. THE DRIVE LIST.
First, figure out the top 50 or so items that your organization is spending money on and prioritize them as most needed to least needed and most expensive to least expensive. Then you figure out the different areas of solicitation you will be conducting. You will have to make different drive lists for different areas. This is where many NFP’s screw it up. Do not and I mean do not put everything you need on one drive list. Too much on one list is overwhelming and it makes it hard for someone to pick something out of all this stuff. Make your lists about 20-25 and group specific. You do not want to request from the ladies auxiliary knitting circle reams of copy paper and file folders. The people conducting the drive want to feel the donation. “What? How do they feel a donation? I don’t get it.” Sometimes I wonder if everyone working at NFP’s have 46 chromosomes. Maybe we should incorporate chromosome testing right after the urinalysis. You also do not want tampons on the drive list going to men’s civic groups. Grammar Schools should not be asking students who ask their parents to buy some drive goods and there on the list is a douche kit request. “Mom, what’s a douche?” See. Make your drive list reflect the group. The theory behind giving is that when someone gives, they envision the gift being used. That is why food is the easiest in kind to get. They can see that soup warming the heart of a homeless man on a cold winter’s night. Joe, from the men’s auxiliary, does not want to envision a tampon in use and if he does we don’t want him doing a drive for us.
In kind is far easier to ask for and get than money. The in kind donor knows that what they are giving is the actual thing they want to give. How does a cash donor know what the money will be used for? The in kind donor can be in a large group, give a small amount and yield a large donation they can be proud of. They have made a difference without breaking the bank.
Finally, whenever you are sick of seeing that nine bottles of shampoo that you bought in a bulk ten-pack but frizzed out your died blonde hair, take the nine unopened ones to the local homeless shelter, domestic shelter, or whatever. This will offset their budget and help them in hard times. If everyone did this, NFP’s would be a doing the happy dance. Remember, one tiny in kind gift by a whole lot of people is equal to one big cash gift by one person.
It’s very sad to me that many people running not for profits (NFP’s) have not a clue as to the significance of in kind. I can almost see the gifted CEO wondering where the budget dollars are going to come from to hire the new data entry position. Or how are we going to pay for the next batch of school supplies for our clients. My first response to that is very primitive so I usually refrain from slapping and suggest a meeting or a development subcommittee. Not really. If you didn’t catch the subcommittee sarcasm until I said “not really”, please go and read my meetings blog. Those two areas of budget spending can be offset by the use of “gimme something man and I want it free.” This will require very little and most of the time a letter in the mail WILL NOT cut it. It’s a face to face ask. If you’re thinking, “Huh what, but I’m scared.” Go back to “How to get yo game on” and try to keep up with the innovators.
Gifts in kind are a good way for NFP’s to offset budget spending. Why buy something if you can get it for free. Sometimes an NFP can get so caught up in trying to raise money money money that they can not see that very money they are raising is being spent on items that they could get for free free free. There are many different ways in kind can help in these budget cutting times.
That new data entry position can very easily be in kind. How about a volunteer? Call a staffing company and fill them in on the budget cuts. Let them know if one of their staffers was donated to your worthy cause it can save you from cutting the elderly companion program. How they can write it off on their taxes. Also, let them know you will be thanking them in your next newsletter that goes out to thousands of households and businesses every month. Remember, do not rely solely on your wonderful mission driven purpose. Incorporate how it will help them feel better, help their business, and come to the rescue of the lonely elders in their community. When soliciting in the community, make your request as hard as possible for them to say no. Find the best and most heartfelt story you have within your organization and milk it for everything it is worth. So a brief summary of what I just said: state your request, define what that donation will do to help the community in the form of a heartfelt story, how they will get their money back from big brother, and how they will benefit from it via your newsletter.
The new school supplies are even easier. This is where you get the community relations staffer to earn their keep. Get an organization in your community to do a drive. Any civic groups, schools, businesses, etc… will do it with the right negotiator. Start with the assets that you have already instead of going in cold. Ask your board members to do one at their office. This won’t even cost them any money and they can brag about it at the next BOD meeting. Then when you go out in the community you can say, “We already have blah blah blah involved, and so n so too, etc… This is where name dropping is VERY acceptable.
Now comes the most critical and most important part of drive requests; also the most overlooked and messed up part. The list of needs you give to the person or business doing the drive. THE DRIVE LIST.
First, figure out the top 50 or so items that your organization is spending money on and prioritize them as most needed to least needed and most expensive to least expensive. Then you figure out the different areas of solicitation you will be conducting. You will have to make different drive lists for different areas. This is where many NFP’s screw it up. Do not and I mean do not put everything you need on one drive list. Too much on one list is overwhelming and it makes it hard for someone to pick something out of all this stuff. Make your lists about 20-25 and group specific. You do not want to request from the ladies auxiliary knitting circle reams of copy paper and file folders. The people conducting the drive want to feel the donation. “What? How do they feel a donation? I don’t get it.” Sometimes I wonder if everyone working at NFP’s have 46 chromosomes. Maybe we should incorporate chromosome testing right after the urinalysis. You also do not want tampons on the drive list going to men’s civic groups. Grammar Schools should not be asking students who ask their parents to buy some drive goods and there on the list is a douche kit request. “Mom, what’s a douche?” See. Make your drive list reflect the group. The theory behind giving is that when someone gives, they envision the gift being used. That is why food is the easiest in kind to get. They can see that soup warming the heart of a homeless man on a cold winter’s night. Joe, from the men’s auxiliary, does not want to envision a tampon in use and if he does we don’t want him doing a drive for us.
In kind is far easier to ask for and get than money. The in kind donor knows that what they are giving is the actual thing they want to give. How does a cash donor know what the money will be used for? The in kind donor can be in a large group, give a small amount and yield a large donation they can be proud of. They have made a difference without breaking the bank.
Finally, whenever you are sick of seeing that nine bottles of shampoo that you bought in a bulk ten-pack but frizzed out your died blonde hair, take the nine unopened ones to the local homeless shelter, domestic shelter, or whatever. This will offset their budget and help them in hard times. If everyone did this, NFP’s would be a doing the happy dance. Remember, one tiny in kind gift by a whole lot of people is equal to one big cash gift by one person.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
BUSINESS PLANS – (Format or Fiction) You be the judge
Remember when your parents use to read you bedtime stories? You sat there clinging to every next word. Then when you got older some of the new stories were not at your age level and you thought they were stupid. “I am too old for this lady, get something more my speed,” you would think. But you never had the nerve to say it out loud. So you sat there and forced yourself to grin and bare it. But by the end of the story you just had to find out what was going to happen. The end was far better than you had originally expected, however, you would never tell any of your friends about liking this kiddy book. You’re probably reciting the same stories to your children that your parents told you. You’re doing that because you remembered them. It’s easy to remember a story that has a great plot, a villain, a hero/heroine, sprawling mountains, and a cute little baby kitten. Wouldn’t it be great to make your next business proposal on the same format and structure as the story of Cinderella? YES IT WOULD! Do not stay in the past.
Who reads an entire business plan from beginning to end except for the person writing it? Don’t be a dork. No one reads it all and that’s the truth. I can barely read my own business plans much less someone else’s. Good lord, I do have a life you know. Believe me when I’m saying, no matter how good your business plan is NO ONE is reading it! They go right to the numbers and the outcomes. That‘s all well and good if you’re submitting it to your boss who is holding you accountable. But what if you are trying to get an investor? A business plan is b.o.r.i.n.g, boring.
Creating a story with a business plan concept is how you must capture the investor. Think about it for a second. Every investor starts out with disbelief and YOU have to suspend their disbelief and take them on an emotional journey. Not an emotional rollercoaster so don’t be a drama queen. Drama queens are bad. Remember your business is fiction. It hasn’t happened yet. It’s in the future so you have to bring them into your story and convince them that this could come true. If you're having problems with this concept, stop here, go back to “how to get yo game on,’ and really try and stop burning those brain cells. Once you have convinced them that this can come true, you have now captured desire. You have someone who wants to take this ride with you. You now have an emotional investor. But how do I get them to take “this ride?”
Instead of a business plan, send a letter with your story. That’s the idea behind a new marketing and motivational concept called narrative theory. No matter what the size, scope, or specialty, every business can have its own unique legend and lore that become the very fabric of its identity. You just have to use that round thing on top of your shoulders. Its not there just for hats.
Now there are two ways to go about this. One is awesome and one sucks. The one that sucks will just tell the story and everything works out fine. A little mid plot turmoil but it all works out in the end. We see a pitfall here and there but nothing the hero/heroine can’t fix. That’s all well and good if you believe the investor thinks, with no risk there will be rewards. Nada, no way, I don’t think so. Anyone who is going to give money knows without risk there is no reward. DUH! Big risks equal big rewards.
After your story, create another letter with the top ten or so risks. One will be the largest and most likely. Ten will be the smallest and least likely. One is probably the one we can not handle, could very well make us fail and there is nothing we can do about it. After ten you write, “if you are still reading this please see the attached success graphs.” These graphs will resemble George W. Bush; high and to the right. You want to show the risk because, AGAIN, any good investor knows that with no risk there can be no reward. Also, make sure when talking about risks we talk about how we may defray them.
Successful company story plots:
The Cinderella Story Everybody loves this one! Remember Ben & Jerry, the ice cream success story. It starts with two unemployed guys with an idea (like buying a home ice cream maker). The story then tells of their success, and how their hometown values and simple interests led them to fame and fortune.
The Survivor Story Tells how your business overcame horrible odds to get where it is today. Everybody loves an underdog story!
The Hero or Great Feat Another effective story type tells of a great deed that helped establish the success of your business. It often involves helping your target market and deriving your success from theirs. For example, I was abused and I started a domestic violence shelter.
The "Idea" Story the man that opened up the Medieval Times restaurant in order to feel he was back in medieval times. There would be jousting, beer winches, eating meat from bones and then throwing them on the ground. I just snarled typing that. This story type works well for any business trying to get into new territory.
The Time Line Story This doesn't even need sentences. Just map out the major dates of your business. Like when you got the idea, had your grand opening, and served your one hundredth customer. It helps the investor feel they're participating in something with a past and a future.
So that's it. It's just that simple. Don't get too complicated because you wouldn't want that either. Remember, keep your business plan on the KISS method (KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID.)
Who reads an entire business plan from beginning to end except for the person writing it? Don’t be a dork. No one reads it all and that’s the truth. I can barely read my own business plans much less someone else’s. Good lord, I do have a life you know. Believe me when I’m saying, no matter how good your business plan is NO ONE is reading it! They go right to the numbers and the outcomes. That‘s all well and good if you’re submitting it to your boss who is holding you accountable. But what if you are trying to get an investor? A business plan is b.o.r.i.n.g, boring.
Creating a story with a business plan concept is how you must capture the investor. Think about it for a second. Every investor starts out with disbelief and YOU have to suspend their disbelief and take them on an emotional journey. Not an emotional rollercoaster so don’t be a drama queen. Drama queens are bad. Remember your business is fiction. It hasn’t happened yet. It’s in the future so you have to bring them into your story and convince them that this could come true. If you're having problems with this concept, stop here, go back to “how to get yo game on,’ and really try and stop burning those brain cells. Once you have convinced them that this can come true, you have now captured desire. You have someone who wants to take this ride with you. You now have an emotional investor. But how do I get them to take “this ride?”
Instead of a business plan, send a letter with your story. That’s the idea behind a new marketing and motivational concept called narrative theory. No matter what the size, scope, or specialty, every business can have its own unique legend and lore that become the very fabric of its identity. You just have to use that round thing on top of your shoulders. Its not there just for hats.
Now there are two ways to go about this. One is awesome and one sucks. The one that sucks will just tell the story and everything works out fine. A little mid plot turmoil but it all works out in the end. We see a pitfall here and there but nothing the hero/heroine can’t fix. That’s all well and good if you believe the investor thinks, with no risk there will be rewards. Nada, no way, I don’t think so. Anyone who is going to give money knows without risk there is no reward. DUH! Big risks equal big rewards.
After your story, create another letter with the top ten or so risks. One will be the largest and most likely. Ten will be the smallest and least likely. One is probably the one we can not handle, could very well make us fail and there is nothing we can do about it. After ten you write, “if you are still reading this please see the attached success graphs.” These graphs will resemble George W. Bush; high and to the right. You want to show the risk because, AGAIN, any good investor knows that with no risk there can be no reward. Also, make sure when talking about risks we talk about how we may defray them.
Successful company story plots:
The Cinderella Story Everybody loves this one! Remember Ben & Jerry, the ice cream success story. It starts with two unemployed guys with an idea (like buying a home ice cream maker). The story then tells of their success, and how their hometown values and simple interests led them to fame and fortune.
The Survivor Story Tells how your business overcame horrible odds to get where it is today. Everybody loves an underdog story!
The Hero or Great Feat Another effective story type tells of a great deed that helped establish the success of your business. It often involves helping your target market and deriving your success from theirs. For example, I was abused and I started a domestic violence shelter.
The "Idea" Story the man that opened up the Medieval Times restaurant in order to feel he was back in medieval times. There would be jousting, beer winches, eating meat from bones and then throwing them on the ground. I just snarled typing that. This story type works well for any business trying to get into new territory.
The Time Line Story This doesn't even need sentences. Just map out the major dates of your business. Like when you got the idea, had your grand opening, and served your one hundredth customer. It helps the investor feel they're participating in something with a past and a future.
So that's it. It's just that simple. Don't get too complicated because you wouldn't want that either. Remember, keep your business plan on the KISS method (KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID.)
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
MEETINGS PART II- huh...yeah. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing...say it again y'all
Before I begin, I must tell you that I do know that this is not social enterprise. However, it does hamper S.E. in some way I am sure of it. Maybe this is helping you save time so you can hit up the next donor to better our causes. Yea. I love it. That’s it!
I left off on helping you make up a few frankenwords for your next meeting. But why, do you ask? Because we want to make them pretend that they know what you know they don’t know. Ya know? It’s fun because the next time they pretend to know something, all you have to say is “whatever mettinista.” Meetinista is my new frankenword for this blog. Are you still clueless? Alright! I will delve even further.
Completely new words account for less than one percent of all English neologisms. So we are left with the frankenwords to be able to PIMP UP OUR VOCABULARY. Basic prefixes and suffixes can not work for our meeting so no re’s, un’s, hood’s, ness’,or ment’s. We are going right straight for the Mack daddy’s. Here we go:
-ista: forming a noun which refers to a supporter or devotee of a person or ideology. Like I am a Clinton-ista others may be a fashion-ista. Remember meeting and –ista.
-rati: used to form a plural noun referring to a group of people who claim to have special expertise in a particular area. If you are addicted to texting you may be a texterati. I suggest if you are a texterati, please only do it behind the wheel of a fast moving car. Thanks you.
-razzi: is used to form a plural noun referring to people, usually journalists, who persistently invade the personal privacy of individuals in the public eye. This suffix originates from the word paparazzi. I personally know a stalkerazzi. Or that is what I believe he is, if not, he is just a freak.
-gate: forming a noun or adjective denoting a scandal. The most famous? I hope you know. Kind of like H2Ogate. Being that I am a Clintonista, I detest the whole Monicagate. That skank.
Ok, that is enough to get you working on your fake words to throw out in you next meeting. How about Linda lame ass? Let’s make her a workmans comperati. Or maybe if she comes into the next meeting in her best polyester twill suit so tight it makes her breasts stand out like Mussolini’s balcony, she can be the newest company fashionista.
This is a short one but I want to leave you with a few meeting rules that will make you shine.
Meeting Rules:
Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
When in doubt, suggest a subcommittee be appointed. I love this one.
Don’t say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating others.
Be the first to move for adjournment; this makes you popular because it is what everyone wants anyway.
Lastly, remember that meetings are just a group of people who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. Chew on that one for a while.
Monday, October 6, 2008
MEETINGS - huh...yeah. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing...say it again y'all
Meetings, meetings, and more meetings. As we all know meetings are good in theory but bad in actuality. Why are they so bad? Because I HATE THEM! Meetings are held by people who are clueless and want the thinkers to help them come up with an idea they can call their own. Here’s how it goes. “If I called the meeting, take all the thinkers ideas, get them organized together by the administrators, typed up by the secretary (I mean administrative assistant), then emailed by me? MINE MINE MINE. Duh. So the mere fact that I know this makes me hate the meeting. So what can I do about this? Here are two ways in which you can make the most of your meeting; either as the coordinator of the meeting or as an attendee of the meeting.
So you are the coordinator of the next meeting? How special. This is what you have to do to be productive and run a successful meeting. Remember: smart meeting managers know that it is the actions you take during the three days immediately before the meeting which are much more important than the meeting itself. Huh? What? I ain’t sure I understand. I know. Do these three steps and do them well. The Three P's of Successful Meetings: Preparation, Participation, Prioritization. That’s easy enough. Don’t screw it up.
Be prepared! Send the meeting material out three days prior to the meeting. Ensure that your attendees read the materials. Just because you’re prepared doesn’t mean they are. It is your responsibility to get these people prepared; otherwise they will waste some of your meeting minutes. Time thieves people, time thieves. Next you will need participation from the very people dreading this worthless meeting. Another two things people, that’s it, two things. Get the best ideas from the best people and get a broad base of participation so there is ownership in the solution rather than resentment. That’s right baby, uh ha, uh ha. Gettin’ yo game on people. They’re already coming in bitter so this is where you need to trick them into liking it. People like what they feel they are part of. I love some good smoke and mirrors and don’t think I don’t. Finally, prioritize. Too often meetings are crammed full of agenda items placed there in the order they showed up on our desk. Put the most important things first and then work down. Now remember, what you think is important doesn’t mean others will also. Focusing everyone's attention on the issues which are most important to your success (not importance) you will quickly see a decrease in non-value added activity and increased productivity for your efforts. Wa La. That’s it. Who knew.
Oh my God, my friend, not another meeting. Where is a good root canal when you need it? If it is a meeting you are sure will be productive and the above three items will be adhered to, go and make me proud. If not, follow my next bit of instructions to at least have fun. This is where the party starts. Old Linda lame ass has scheduled yet another meeting on safety in the work place and her chronic halitosis issues have not been rectified. You know she exists don’t ya. I know you do. There’s one in every company.
You know how every quarter a new meeting word comes out. This quarter it is: “The lobbyist got another “turkey, turkey, turkey” for us and what projects do we need to come to “fruition, fruition, fruition.” First, what the hell is a turkey? The very lady who threw this out didn’t know this word two days ago and now she’s throwing it out in a meeting to show us how smart she is. That just irks me. And I would rather die then to ask what it means. That’s what she wants me to do and a-hell NO. I just sat there and was excited over the wonderful news and faked I knew what she was talking about just like EVERYONE else. Then ran to my computer after the meeting to look it up and be the first to send an email about the turkey. Of course I will have to add a nugget of info that I know what it means. Ah ha, I won! I feel a happy dance coming on.
So my suggestion on making this meeting fun is……….Neologisms. That’s right. But how you may wonder? They may call me on what it means. By way of the oldest trick in the book; portmanteau or the new portmanteau on portmanteau called frankenword. What the hell is this beee-atch talking about? Neo-what on the Portman-who, what the frankenword?
For moron clarification: please read below
Neologisms-A new word, expression, or usage. Portmanteau- a new word formed by joining two others and combining their meanings; such as Brunch (breakfast and lunch). Frankenword is just a new word for portmanteau. It came about in the mid nineties in the context of humorous observation of the growing number of neologisms formed by mutating pieces of existing words. Remember Bennifer?
Make up a frankenword and throw it out at a meeting. See who pretends to know you’re made up word. I bet you Linda lame ass won’t.
I will expand further neologisms in the workplace on my part two -----
MEETINGS - huh...yeah. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing...say it again y'all
Signing off for now from the #1 CLINTONISTA.
So you are the coordinator of the next meeting? How special. This is what you have to do to be productive and run a successful meeting. Remember: smart meeting managers know that it is the actions you take during the three days immediately before the meeting which are much more important than the meeting itself. Huh? What? I ain’t sure I understand. I know. Do these three steps and do them well. The Three P's of Successful Meetings: Preparation, Participation, Prioritization. That’s easy enough. Don’t screw it up.
Be prepared! Send the meeting material out three days prior to the meeting. Ensure that your attendees read the materials. Just because you’re prepared doesn’t mean they are. It is your responsibility to get these people prepared; otherwise they will waste some of your meeting minutes. Time thieves people, time thieves. Next you will need participation from the very people dreading this worthless meeting. Another two things people, that’s it, two things. Get the best ideas from the best people and get a broad base of participation so there is ownership in the solution rather than resentment. That’s right baby, uh ha, uh ha. Gettin’ yo game on people. They’re already coming in bitter so this is where you need to trick them into liking it. People like what they feel they are part of. I love some good smoke and mirrors and don’t think I don’t. Finally, prioritize. Too often meetings are crammed full of agenda items placed there in the order they showed up on our desk. Put the most important things first and then work down. Now remember, what you think is important doesn’t mean others will also. Focusing everyone's attention on the issues which are most important to your success (not importance) you will quickly see a decrease in non-value added activity and increased productivity for your efforts. Wa La. That’s it. Who knew.
Oh my God, my friend, not another meeting. Where is a good root canal when you need it? If it is a meeting you are sure will be productive and the above three items will be adhered to, go and make me proud. If not, follow my next bit of instructions to at least have fun. This is where the party starts. Old Linda lame ass has scheduled yet another meeting on safety in the work place and her chronic halitosis issues have not been rectified. You know she exists don’t ya. I know you do. There’s one in every company.
You know how every quarter a new meeting word comes out. This quarter it is: “The lobbyist got another “turkey, turkey, turkey” for us and what projects do we need to come to “fruition, fruition, fruition.” First, what the hell is a turkey? The very lady who threw this out didn’t know this word two days ago and now she’s throwing it out in a meeting to show us how smart she is. That just irks me. And I would rather die then to ask what it means. That’s what she wants me to do and a-hell NO. I just sat there and was excited over the wonderful news and faked I knew what she was talking about just like EVERYONE else. Then ran to my computer after the meeting to look it up and be the first to send an email about the turkey. Of course I will have to add a nugget of info that I know what it means. Ah ha, I won! I feel a happy dance coming on.
So my suggestion on making this meeting fun is……….Neologisms. That’s right. But how you may wonder? They may call me on what it means. By way of the oldest trick in the book; portmanteau or the new portmanteau on portmanteau called frankenword. What the hell is this beee-atch talking about? Neo-what on the Portman-who, what the frankenword?
For moron clarification: please read below
Neologisms-A new word, expression, or usage. Portmanteau- a new word formed by joining two others and combining their meanings; such as Brunch (breakfast and lunch). Frankenword is just a new word for portmanteau. It came about in the mid nineties in the context of humorous observation of the growing number of neologisms formed by mutating pieces of existing words. Remember Bennifer?
Make up a frankenword and throw it out at a meeting. See who pretends to know you’re made up word. I bet you Linda lame ass won’t.
I will expand further neologisms in the workplace on my part two -----
MEETINGS - huh...yeah. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing...say it again y'all
Signing off for now from the #1 CLINTONISTA.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
GET YO GAME ON - I know what I know and daz what I know
Have you ever taught a class? If you have, then you will understand my introduction. In every classroom there is at least one person who continuously agrees with you. It goes something like this: Oh yes, uhh ha, yes, yes, nod, nod, yes, nod, etc… Be very sure and never forget that this is definitely the one person who has no clue what you are talking about. Do not be this person. There is nothing more pathetic then a person pretending to understanding everything you are saying and you know that they are a dumb ass. How do I know? Because I have dumbdar; very similar to radar and gaydar. It is a siren that goes off in my head and I just want to reach out and pat the poor little thing on the head. It’s just so sad. But on the brighter side, there is hope.
Game 101 starts by conquering your fears and feeling hope, empowering your speech patterns then putting a little strut in your style. Why me? Why do I think I am so great as to tell someone else how to get game? Because I am, now sit down and shut your mouth. I’m talking.
The hope I am speaking of? Well that would be to get your game on. For without game, you are lame. I believe that was Shakespeare. Some people will tell you that some have game and some don’t. All lies. Do not let people label you. Everything is obtainable. You just can not be scared of ………NO……..It happens and so what. Big deal. Who are you to think you are so great that no one can say no to you. Or you get told no, and then you sulk. Wimp! You know what no means to me? No means I am a step closer to a yes. I almost want to hug the possible donor for telling me no because you have just helped me in getting a little closer to my next yes. If you go your whole life trying to get a yes’ and never do, then end it all. I was wrong and life is not worth living. But that will never happen. So the fear of going in cold is not as bad you may think. I love it. It’s like the first date, you know. I love first dates because I can run the show. It is only after a while do I become the servant but that’s another blog. But you know what I mean.
Having a powerful speech pattern is the most important thing in life; after breathing. God, my friend, gave you the ability to breath. I, your friend, will give you the ability to have game. First, THE BASICS: hedging, intensifiers, and fillers. Huh? What? Hedging? I hate yard work. If this is what you’re thinking, go slap your mother for me.
Hedging is when you make a direct comment and invalidate it with indecisiveness. For example, I would like you to donate 5k to help the starving puppies in Djibouti. (Direct) I would like you to donate 5k to help the starving puppies in Djibouti, unless this is not a good time for you. (Hedging) Unless this is not a good time for you? Are you serious? The direct way makes it harder for the donor to say no. It’s hard for them to say no also. So what you have done in the hedging comment is allow the possible donor and easier way to get out. If he was not going to give me the money anyway, I want to put a little heat his way too. Life is hard people. Don’t give outs when you don’t have to.
Intensifiers are good and powerful words but when used too much, you lose credibility. When someone is talking to you and you retort absolutely, then wonderful, incredible, absolutely, say goodbye to your creditability. This is a common known fact in the courtroom. It’s just not for lawyers anymore. An intensifier every now and then is fine and it gives power to your speech but you had better be careful how many intensifiers you use. FANTASTIC!
Fillers are words that people use when they can’t think of what they are suppose to say. I was going to, uhhhh, uhhh, the store and wanted, uhhh, the stuff on the, you know, ummm, shelf. This screams dumb ass and who in the world is going to give you anything when you sound like the missing link. Say what you have to say and do not sound like a monkey. You know what I hate the worst… Oh, this one kills me. “Yea man, I was driving and got a ticket, you know. I was barely, you know, speeding. That cop was an asshole, you know.” Do I know? Oh, no. You are far superior to I and I can not even begin to understand the words that are spewing out of your cranium. You moron! I’ve burnt more brain cells then you will ever have.
Put some strut in your game. First, basic mommy 101. Put your shoulders back, sit up straight, don’t chew with you mouth open, etc… If you don’t know these or have to work on them, I just don’t know what to tell you. I’m at a loss. Approaching a possible donor is sometimes scary but never let them see it. When you start to look fearful it gets worse for you. You begin to sweat, you stumble, your inside is FREAKING OUT, and you are about to lose it. Just chill in the beginning and never let it get that way. Walk in confident, even if you’re not, shoulders back and eye to eye contact is a must. This is not the 70’s, so formal greetings are out. Do not say, “Good morning, Sir”, to Timmy the 27 year old CFO. But don’t do not greet Timmy with “waz up” either. If you walk in and it is a 92 year old that is still acting CEO of his own company, “good morning Sir,” it will be. You find the greeting that is appropriate for the situation. The first look and the greeting will be imperative.
I must end this here because Michelle said my last blog was too long. Hater!
Game 101 starts by conquering your fears and feeling hope, empowering your speech patterns then putting a little strut in your style. Why me? Why do I think I am so great as to tell someone else how to get game? Because I am, now sit down and shut your mouth. I’m talking.
The hope I am speaking of? Well that would be to get your game on. For without game, you are lame. I believe that was Shakespeare. Some people will tell you that some have game and some don’t. All lies. Do not let people label you. Everything is obtainable. You just can not be scared of ………NO……..It happens and so what. Big deal. Who are you to think you are so great that no one can say no to you. Or you get told no, and then you sulk. Wimp! You know what no means to me? No means I am a step closer to a yes. I almost want to hug the possible donor for telling me no because you have just helped me in getting a little closer to my next yes. If you go your whole life trying to get a yes’ and never do, then end it all. I was wrong and life is not worth living. But that will never happen. So the fear of going in cold is not as bad you may think. I love it. It’s like the first date, you know. I love first dates because I can run the show. It is only after a while do I become the servant but that’s another blog. But you know what I mean.
Having a powerful speech pattern is the most important thing in life; after breathing. God, my friend, gave you the ability to breath. I, your friend, will give you the ability to have game. First, THE BASICS: hedging, intensifiers, and fillers. Huh? What? Hedging? I hate yard work. If this is what you’re thinking, go slap your mother for me.
Hedging is when you make a direct comment and invalidate it with indecisiveness. For example, I would like you to donate 5k to help the starving puppies in Djibouti. (Direct) I would like you to donate 5k to help the starving puppies in Djibouti, unless this is not a good time for you. (Hedging) Unless this is not a good time for you? Are you serious? The direct way makes it harder for the donor to say no. It’s hard for them to say no also. So what you have done in the hedging comment is allow the possible donor and easier way to get out. If he was not going to give me the money anyway, I want to put a little heat his way too. Life is hard people. Don’t give outs when you don’t have to.
Intensifiers are good and powerful words but when used too much, you lose credibility. When someone is talking to you and you retort absolutely, then wonderful, incredible, absolutely, say goodbye to your creditability. This is a common known fact in the courtroom. It’s just not for lawyers anymore. An intensifier every now and then is fine and it gives power to your speech but you had better be careful how many intensifiers you use. FANTASTIC!
Fillers are words that people use when they can’t think of what they are suppose to say. I was going to, uhhhh, uhhh, the store and wanted, uhhh, the stuff on the, you know, ummm, shelf. This screams dumb ass and who in the world is going to give you anything when you sound like the missing link. Say what you have to say and do not sound like a monkey. You know what I hate the worst… Oh, this one kills me. “Yea man, I was driving and got a ticket, you know. I was barely, you know, speeding. That cop was an asshole, you know.” Do I know? Oh, no. You are far superior to I and I can not even begin to understand the words that are spewing out of your cranium. You moron! I’ve burnt more brain cells then you will ever have.
Put some strut in your game. First, basic mommy 101. Put your shoulders back, sit up straight, don’t chew with you mouth open, etc… If you don’t know these or have to work on them, I just don’t know what to tell you. I’m at a loss. Approaching a possible donor is sometimes scary but never let them see it. When you start to look fearful it gets worse for you. You begin to sweat, you stumble, your inside is FREAKING OUT, and you are about to lose it. Just chill in the beginning and never let it get that way. Walk in confident, even if you’re not, shoulders back and eye to eye contact is a must. This is not the 70’s, so formal greetings are out. Do not say, “Good morning, Sir”, to Timmy the 27 year old CFO. But don’t do not greet Timmy with “waz up” either. If you walk in and it is a 92 year old that is still acting CEO of his own company, “good morning Sir,” it will be. You find the greeting that is appropriate for the situation. The first look and the greeting will be imperative.
I must end this here because Michelle said my last blog was too long. Hater!
DATABASES - I love it, I love it, I want some more of it.
I know how busy you are because we hear you crying about it all day long. Save some time by not bitching and start compiling information. The vast array of information you can compile is amazing. Your development department has a database but they need it for their next fundraiser. We don’t want to request too much from one donor. Damn. Back to square one. Then how can S.E.man get anywhere without a database? Well let me just give you a few avenues to choose from.
First, use the theme of your project to compile names, addresses, phone numbers, emails, websites, if they donated; how much, what type of donation, location of donation, etc… Make it as specific as you can. The more specific you make it the easier it can be to run a query. A database can be as easy as an excel spreadsheet and can go as high fa-looting as Razors Edge (RE). Ohhhh, RE gives me the chills. A spreadsheet can be as plain as manually inputting name (A1), address (A2,3,4,5), email (A6), salutation, if you know it, new name (B1,2,3), and so forth. No formulas, just data entry in the simplest form. You don’t know excel but you were really good at Lotus123? Well isn’t that special. To bad we’re still not in the 90’s. Input the information and call IT then run and register for the next excel course. Tell them you heard about this anomaly called “V-LOOKUP” and you must know more.
If your IT department can help you in anyway, I would suggest you have them create an access database with individual fields (first, last, email, address, donation type, volunteer, etc…) so you can look up specific things. Let’s say you need to know everyone who has donated 5k or more in the zip code 55555 – BAM – there it is. You can even query everyone with the last name Johnson who donated Cheerios. The more specific you get the better you can isolate the very people you want to target. You do not want to ask a 5k cash donor to do an in kind drive for pampers. Why you ask? BECAUSE that’s dumb and don’t ever ask me that again.
Where do I get the donor information for my database and what are those project themes you were talking about? Man this is about to make me cry. You must know that these are some of the very questions I hear and I’m welling up as I type.
First, if you are receiving any form of donations and you are a NFP, get a donation tax write off form. And if you already have a form, ENSURE that form is a 2 sheet carbon copy form; one for the donor and one for you. Sounds logical right? NOT! I have had to create this process numerous times. I even worked with a NFP who gave out an index card type form. The donor comes up, drops off the donation, they are handed this card to fill out later, and off they go. I can almost see the staff member waving. “See ya. Come back soon. Don’t forget to write.” You must have a copy and you must put that into a database. They just donated to you ding dong. You have the edge. You can even put a thank you on the back of the donors copy and you don’t have to mail a “thank you for donating your stuff to us” letter. Cha-Ching.
Any questions on tax write offs use this link: http://www.irs.gov/fairmarketvalue
Never give a value to a donor. That is between them and the irs.
Another way I have used to pump up a “non development” database is the phonebook. I pick a project and find people I want to help me in my project. For example, my NFP is buying toothbrushes, toothpaste, mouthwash, facial tissue, latex gloves, and tongue depressors from our never ending decreasing budget. We spend roughly 5k a quarter from our budget on these items. To me that screams doctors and dentists. And why doctors and dentists, you may ask? Because I can send a letter expressing my heartfelt story and make them feel for my plight. He does not have to give to my wonderful, community serving cause, from his wallet, but rather, he can ask his supply rep and pharmaceutical rep to help him. All I have to do is remind the doctor of his exceptional resource. Put a little bug in his ear and do it in a way he thinks that it’s his idea. They like that. Those reps are ass kissing just like the rest of us. They want to make that doctor happy so he will push their meds or use their products. All the doctor has to do is request, from his Pfizer rep, a case or two of facial tissue. It will probably have Viagra on it, but it all wipes the same. Now THAT DOCTOR is worthy of your database. If you get anything, from anyone, anywhere, get their info! Even if they are broke and have nothing in their pockets to give. They can give their time. Do you want to be the one entering this stuff into the database? I hope not because you have bigger things to accomplish then to data entry.
The dentist is the best. I have scored more toothpaste and toothbrushes than any SE person on the planet. I can assure you that I personally guilt my dentist and doctor on every visit. It is the least they can do for me for gaining by business and allowing me to use my “affordable healthcare” in their establishment.
What bank do you use? Hit them up too. Banks are good for administrative supplies. They have pens and all other sorts of stuff with their logos on them. Pens are also another good thing to get from your doctor. The pharmaceutical reps have thousands. If your NFP is buying pens, shame on you.
Now I am getting too deep into in kind and that is for next time. But one little story to tell about free pharmaceutical pens. I just got back from cold calling all sorts of people and mingling amongst the community. I was flaunting my new pens this rep gave me everywhere, using some of them I deemed “my favorite”, and knowing for sure I was the bomb. Back at work, I am wallowing in my free pharmaceutical logo pens, clueless to what any of it means, when a colleague walks into my office. We start chatting when she looks oddly at me, then my two favorite pens, back at me, then back at my pens. “WHAT! Why are you scanning me,” I replied. She asked me if I knew what the pharmaceutical names meant on both of my new favorite pens; both of which were different. I did not know and so what. They were free. They were great pens and I loved them…UNTIL….I found out they were creams for yeast infections. Then I wanted to die. I had just been all over town. I went to the Rotary Club, Better Business Bureau, Altrusa Intl., a few networking groups, cold calls, and I wondered how many people thought I was this nasty riddled up yeast infected God knows what. What did I do, you ask? Well I did the right thing I can assure you. I did the right thing because that is what I do and that is who I am. I gave them to my sister and told her how good they wrote.
First, use the theme of your project to compile names, addresses, phone numbers, emails, websites, if they donated; how much, what type of donation, location of donation, etc… Make it as specific as you can. The more specific you make it the easier it can be to run a query. A database can be as easy as an excel spreadsheet and can go as high fa-looting as Razors Edge (RE). Ohhhh, RE gives me the chills. A spreadsheet can be as plain as manually inputting name (A1), address (A2,3,4,5), email (A6), salutation, if you know it, new name (B1,2,3), and so forth. No formulas, just data entry in the simplest form. You don’t know excel but you were really good at Lotus123? Well isn’t that special. To bad we’re still not in the 90’s. Input the information and call IT then run and register for the next excel course. Tell them you heard about this anomaly called “V-LOOKUP” and you must know more.
If your IT department can help you in anyway, I would suggest you have them create an access database with individual fields (first, last, email, address, donation type, volunteer, etc…) so you can look up specific things. Let’s say you need to know everyone who has donated 5k or more in the zip code 55555 – BAM – there it is. You can even query everyone with the last name Johnson who donated Cheerios. The more specific you get the better you can isolate the very people you want to target. You do not want to ask a 5k cash donor to do an in kind drive for pampers. Why you ask? BECAUSE that’s dumb and don’t ever ask me that again.
Where do I get the donor information for my database and what are those project themes you were talking about? Man this is about to make me cry. You must know that these are some of the very questions I hear and I’m welling up as I type.
First, if you are receiving any form of donations and you are a NFP, get a donation tax write off form. And if you already have a form, ENSURE that form is a 2 sheet carbon copy form; one for the donor and one for you. Sounds logical right? NOT! I have had to create this process numerous times. I even worked with a NFP who gave out an index card type form. The donor comes up, drops off the donation, they are handed this card to fill out later, and off they go. I can almost see the staff member waving. “See ya. Come back soon. Don’t forget to write.” You must have a copy and you must put that into a database. They just donated to you ding dong. You have the edge. You can even put a thank you on the back of the donors copy and you don’t have to mail a “thank you for donating your stuff to us” letter. Cha-Ching.
Any questions on tax write offs use this link: http://www.irs.gov/fairmarketvalue
Never give a value to a donor. That is between them and the irs.
Another way I have used to pump up a “non development” database is the phonebook. I pick a project and find people I want to help me in my project. For example, my NFP is buying toothbrushes, toothpaste, mouthwash, facial tissue, latex gloves, and tongue depressors from our never ending decreasing budget. We spend roughly 5k a quarter from our budget on these items. To me that screams doctors and dentists. And why doctors and dentists, you may ask? Because I can send a letter expressing my heartfelt story and make them feel for my plight. He does not have to give to my wonderful, community serving cause, from his wallet, but rather, he can ask his supply rep and pharmaceutical rep to help him. All I have to do is remind the doctor of his exceptional resource. Put a little bug in his ear and do it in a way he thinks that it’s his idea. They like that. Those reps are ass kissing just like the rest of us. They want to make that doctor happy so he will push their meds or use their products. All the doctor has to do is request, from his Pfizer rep, a case or two of facial tissue. It will probably have Viagra on it, but it all wipes the same. Now THAT DOCTOR is worthy of your database. If you get anything, from anyone, anywhere, get their info! Even if they are broke and have nothing in their pockets to give. They can give their time. Do you want to be the one entering this stuff into the database? I hope not because you have bigger things to accomplish then to data entry.
The dentist is the best. I have scored more toothpaste and toothbrushes than any SE person on the planet. I can assure you that I personally guilt my dentist and doctor on every visit. It is the least they can do for me for gaining by business and allowing me to use my “affordable healthcare” in their establishment.
What bank do you use? Hit them up too. Banks are good for administrative supplies. They have pens and all other sorts of stuff with their logos on them. Pens are also another good thing to get from your doctor. The pharmaceutical reps have thousands. If your NFP is buying pens, shame on you.
Now I am getting too deep into in kind and that is for next time. But one little story to tell about free pharmaceutical pens. I just got back from cold calling all sorts of people and mingling amongst the community. I was flaunting my new pens this rep gave me everywhere, using some of them I deemed “my favorite”, and knowing for sure I was the bomb. Back at work, I am wallowing in my free pharmaceutical logo pens, clueless to what any of it means, when a colleague walks into my office. We start chatting when she looks oddly at me, then my two favorite pens, back at me, then back at my pens. “WHAT! Why are you scanning me,” I replied. She asked me if I knew what the pharmaceutical names meant on both of my new favorite pens; both of which were different. I did not know and so what. They were free. They were great pens and I loved them…UNTIL….I found out they were creams for yeast infections. Then I wanted to die. I had just been all over town. I went to the Rotary Club, Better Business Bureau, Altrusa Intl., a few networking groups, cold calls, and I wondered how many people thought I was this nasty riddled up yeast infected God knows what. What did I do, you ask? Well I did the right thing I can assure you. I did the right thing because that is what I do and that is who I am. I gave them to my sister and told her how good they wrote.
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